Fading like the Stars
by white rose01
Summary: What effects would no human contact have on someone? After 3 months in space, John's about to find out. Chapter 14 now up!
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

Fading like the stars

John looked out at the stars and sighed.

Normally he loved the vast emptiness of space and the wonders that it held, but today he was preoccupied with his thoughts. He knew that he was part of the biggest rescue organisation in the world, possibly one of the most insignificant parts, but still a part.

He had been up on Thunderbird 5 for at least 3 months now due to Alan spraining his leg on a rescue mission. He was tired of the vast emptiness of space and yearned for human contact, even being the butt of one of Gordon's practical jokes would be better than being stuck up here by himself. He sighed again, and turned away from the view that thunderbird five had to offer. He restlessly paced the floor, keeping an eye on the instruments, yet at the same time being immersed in his own thoughts.

The beep of the comm. channel awakened him from his reverie and he immediately walked over to the panel.

"International Rescue"

"Yo John! How's it hangin?" John had to smile at the way Gordon greeted him, no matter his mood, Gordon could always manage to raise a smile. "Hey Gordo, how ya doin?" he replied. "Well," said Gordon, a wicked smile on his face, " I don't think that I'm in Scott's good books at the moment….I sort of told him that his fashion sense sucked"

At this, John laughed, Scott was liked to pride himself on his clothes and insulting his clothes was one of the things that was guaranteed to annoy him, and Gordon being Gordon used this as much as possible. They chatted about all the usual things after that, stars, football, baseball and just as they were getting ready to sign off, Gordon looked at John, serious for once. "We all miss you John, don't forget that. I know that it must be so boring for you up there, but Alan's almost recovered from his leg sprain now so you can come down soon. You don't know how everyone's looking forward to seeing you, I think grandmas already planning the feast! I miss you, John" and with that, Gordon was gone and John was left with the blank screen.

He sighed as he got up. Of all his brothers he was closest to Gordon. Scott was the one you went to for advice, Virgil was a great listener, Alan was good at making plans of action, but Gordon was the one that John felt he could talk to about anything. He missed his brothers and the rest of his family but he missed Gordon more than most. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to escape his thoughts of home, he went to bed, hoping that his dreams would provide escape.

A few hours later John woke in a cold sweat. Instead of the escape he had hoped for, he had been plunged into a nightmare. He had essentially recreated Gordon's Hydrofoil accident from what Gordon had told him. He had been stood there, helpless and unable to do everything as Gordon had been thrown around. He sat up, surprised to find tears pricking the back of his lids. He really couldn't wait to get home and check up on his family. As he looked at his watch, he realised that this three hours was the most he had slept for a while. Knowing from experience that he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep he staggered into the kitchen area. His head was pounding and there were spots in front of his vision. Putting it down to his nightmare he decided to call Gordon again, just in case his dream had been a premonition and also just for the company.

Within minutes Gordon was on the vid-screen, looking concerned. He had been worried about Johns appearance when they had spoke earlier and was considering asking his father if John could come down earlier, and was even considering offering to take Johns place, which showed how concerned he was, Gordon hated the emptiness of space. Now he was more than concerned, John was haggard, pale and thin. Gordon felt like he was talking to a corpse and decided that no matter what, John was coming home. Showing nothing of what he was thinking, he kept his tone light. "Are you alright, John?" John gave a weak smile and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything his eyes rolled up and his knees buckled. He hit the floor hard, where he lay there pale and unmoving.


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, it is much appreciated!

Chapter 2

Gordon sat frozen in shock. Time seemed to stand still as his brother crumpled to the floor. He could only look on in horror, he couldn't move or turn away, and his body refused to obey his commands. Suddenly he found himself in full control of his body "JOHN! JOHN! Oh God please no. JOHN! WAKE UP JOHN, PLEASE!" he screamed at the screen, but his brother lay unresponsive.

As fast as he could, Gordon hit the alarm button. The wail of the alarm shattered the peaceful calm of the house and within minutes, Jeff had arrived on the scene, looking none to pleased at his wake up call. "Gordon, this had better not be one of your practical jokes" he growled. Pausing to take in Gordon's appearance, he grew concerned "Gordon, what is it? Are you ok?" Gordon was beyond words by then and could only point to the vid-screen in response. Jeff's eyes grew large and his face went slack as he saw the sight that greeted him. "Oh God, John!" Jeff's legs buckled from under him and he sank to the floor. By now the sounds of thundering footsteps announced the arrival of the rest of the Tracy family.

"Dad, what is it?" Scott demanded. At the sound of Scott's voice Jeff seemed to regain his self-control and got to his feet. He was in control and thinking clearly "Right, Scott. Johns collapsed…" At this, all faces immediately turned towards the vid-screen and a gasp of horror went round the room as they saw the terrible sight. Virgil immediately walked over to Gordon and placed a hand on his shoulder. Alan set about trying to comfort Grandma, who had burst into sobs, whilst trying to control his own tears. "…I want you to immediately launch Thunderbird 3 to go get him." Continued Jeff, "As Alan's still not fully recovered take Virgil as your co-pilot. You might need other help so take Tin-Tin with you…" "Dad, please let me go" interrupted Gordon quietly.

This was met with stunned silence. Everyone knew how much Gordon hated the emptiness of space, him and John were complete opposites in that respect, although they were so similar in others. The fact that Gordon was offering to do this showed the others how worried he was. Jeff, knowing the depth of the bond that existed between Gordon and John, didn't even stop to question his request, just nodded and carried on speaking "Ok, Gordon will go as well. Make sure you have all the medical equipment, you can't….you can't be sure of his true condition until you get up there." The catch in Jeff's voice was the only sign of the emotion he was feeling. He took a deep breath and took hold of his emotions. His voice was steady when he said "Prepare for lift-off".

Scott, Virgil and Gordon walked over to the sofa and sat down, preparing to get ready to go to Thunderbird 3. "Go as fast as you can Scott…Please bring my boy home safe" They were Jeff's final words as the sofa went out of sight. The journey to Thunderbird 3 seemed to take years, at least to Gordon, as did the preparation for blast off. Finally they were ready. Gordon gripped the sides of his seat as Thunderbird 3 blasted out of its hangar and into space, he felt completely useless. It was a 3-hour journey to Thunderbird 5, and in that time anything could happen, John could even be de…he stopped that thought before he could complete it. All he could do was sit back and wait.


	3. Chapter 3

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Sorry for the long delay in updating, but finally here is chapter 3!!

Thank you for all the great reviews people have written, it is appreciated! Special thanks to Maaike for her encouragement. : )

Chapter 3

Gordon looked out at the vast emptiness of space and sighed. He had hated space since his first memorable trip up to look at Thunderbird 5. He had spent the whole journey up there that time being sick. It had been an experience he had vowed never to repeat.

This time his pale complexion was not down to the space sickness, but due to the worry and fear he was feeling about his brother. Gordon cared deeply for all his brothers, but knew that John was the one that he cared for most, just because John understood him in a way like no one else could. John had been there through his darkest days, it had been John who sat patiently with Gordon while he did his physiotherapy exercises after his hydrofoil accident. He sighed again and turned away from the viewport. He hated the waiting, he always had. He wished Scott could push Thunderbird 3 faster, even though he knew that he would be pushing three to what he thought were its limits. He smiled sadly, thinking of how John could probably get it to go beyond its limits; he had a knack with getting the best out of both machines and people. Gordon looked at his watch, took a deep breath and turned back to the stars that provided John with so much joy.

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Back on Tracy Island, everyone but Kyrano was crowded into the living room. There was no sound in the room; everyone's gaze was fixed on the vid-screen and the figure lying still on the floor. Jeff was sitting there, his face taut with worry; he seemed to have aged years in the short space of time since he had found out. There was a rattle and everyone jumped. Kyrano walked in the room, holding a tray with a jug of coffee. "Coffee, Mr Tracy. It is good for shock," Kyrano said quietly. Jeff nodded and quietly accepted a cup. He looked around, taking his gaze away from the vid-screen for the first time. "I never thought it would be John who would get injured. He's up there so much, I never worried about him as much as the rest of the boys. Maybe if I had called him more often, insisted that the boys shared time up there…." Jeff's voice trailed off as he put his head in his hands. Muffled words could be heard from him as he continued talking "Up there at least six months a year…alone….no human contact….Oh God, John I'm sorry! Lucy, for what I have done to our son I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry…."

Alan and Tin-Tin exchanged worried glances at this, Jeff never normally brought up his late wife in conversation. It was a sign of how bad he was feeling that he was mentioning her. Grandma also sat up, she took a swift look at Jeff and appeared to immediately understand what he was feeling. "Jeff" she said sternly. Jeff, along with everyone else, immediately turned towards her. It was dangerous to ignore her, as everyone well knew. "Jeff, sweetheart, you can't blame yourself. It isn't your fault" She soothed him, "Your Lucy would be so proud of both you and your sons if she could see you now. She knows that you don't like sending two of your sons up into that tin can of a machine, but that you do it for the good of the world. That's why your boys do it too. John understands, he has astronaut training and a degree in Laser and Communications, he's the obvious choice. He knows this, and I'm sure that he enjoys some of the time spent up there, it's just him and his stars. He's always loved his stars…" Grandma stopped abruptly as Alan gasped. All his remaining colour drained from his face. His eyes were fixed on the vid-screen. One by one, the occupants of the room also trained their eyes on the screen. At first glance, everything seemed normal. After looking a little closer, they saw the reason for Alan's distress. Tin-Tin gasped and broke into sobs. "Is that…is that what I think it is?" asked Alan, praying that he was wrong. Jeff answered him, his face even more taut and grey than before "Yes. Its blood"

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Up in the control room of Thunderbird 3, Scott and Virgil were sitting in silence, trying to digest the news that their father had just delivered. John was bleeding, and from the sound of it there was a lot of blood. Scott was the first to break the silence. "Well…" he said flatly. Virgil glanced at him, Scott always felt responsible for his brothers, and he took his position as eldest brother very seriously. Virgil knew that inside, Scott was beating himself up, trying to think of ways he could have prevented it, even though it was in no way his fault and there was nothing that he could have done. "Scott" said Virgil softly. Scott didn't even look up. "Scott!" he said more firmly. Scott jumped and turned to look at Virgil. "Scott, there is nothing that you or anyone could have done. Its just a random freak accident, don't beat yourself up about it. You know how much Johnny hates you fussing over him." Virgil paused, and gave a small smile, "You remember when he broke his arm, you were running around panicking, and he was standing there, cool as a cucumber telling you to calm down! He's tough". Scott turned away and took a deep breath. "Yeah, maybe. I guess you're right, but still…" Scott unconsciously echoed some of Jeff's earlier words and voiced what they were all thinking "Its just ya know, he's meant to be safe up there!" Virgil nodded, "Yeah I know. It isn't fair, we just have to try and deal with it the best we can. Me, you and Gordon…. Oh God we haven't told Gordon!" Scott and Virgil exchanged worried glances. In their worry for their brother, they had forgotten that Gordon had not heard the message. They knew that this unexpected and unwelcome development would hit Gordon hard and telling him would not be pleasant. Virgil stood up, "I'll go, you just concentrate on getting us there ASAP" Scott wanted to object, but knew that his brother was right. He took a deep breath and turned back to the control panel.

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Virgil stood in the doorway and looked at Gordon. He knew that what he was about to tell him would make Gordon mad with worry, and whilst one half of his brain was telling him not to worry him on the ship, the more logical half was telling him that if he didn't tell him now, it would be an even bigger shock when they walked onto Thunderbird 5 to find John lying there like that. He coughed softly to alert Gordon to his presence. Gordon jumped and whirled round. "VIRGIL!" he exclaimed, then immediately his face tightened with worry, "What is it? What's wrong? Is there any news from Father?" he asked urgently. Virgil walked into the room "Gordon I need to tell you something" Gordon looked at Virgil dread evident in his face, from the look on Virgil's face the news was not good. "Umm, yeah…" Virgil continued, trying to think of how to break the news to him "Father just called. Um, I'm afraid it's not good. John appears to be lying in a pool of blood" Gordon went ashen and sank heavily into the seat nearest him. Repeating the information that he had been given made the whole situation finally sink in to Virgil. He was very close to John, and missed him when he was up in the space station. He knew that Gordon and John were extremely close and confided in each other more than they would anyone else. This meant that Gordon would be feeling the fear, the pain and the tension so much more than he would. This thought contrived to keep him together as he staggered over to Gordon and held him tight. The check that Gordon had been managing to keep over his emotions was broken and tears cascaded freely down his face. When Gordon felt the arms of one of his stronger, big brothers encircle him, he broke into racking sobs. Virgil held him tight as they both cried. Scott's voice came over the radio "Prepare for docking." He said, appearing to be in complete control. Virgil, knowing Scott better that he did himself, knew that inside Scott would be a wreck but was holding it together for the sake of all his brothers. Virgil pulled himself together and locked his emotions down, there would be time for that later, when they had assessed the situation properly, he prayed that it would turn out to be something that had looked worse than it was. Taking a deep breath he steadied himself, and turned to Gordon. Gordon was trying to calm himself, he stood up and walked over to the viewport and looked at Thunderbird 5 looming closely. He took a shuddering breath and took complete control of himself. He turned to Virgil, and said quietly "Let's go".

After picking up the necessary equipment from the sick bay, they met Scott by the door of Thunderbird 3 that led to the airlock. He paused and looked at Gordon, then he quickly glanced at Virgil who nodded in answer to Scott's silent question as to whether Gordon was up to finding whatever awaited them. Scott opened the door and all three Tracy brothers walked down the passageway towards Thunderbird 5. As they reached the final door, all three took a deep breath. Then Gordon walked forwards and opened the door.


	4. Chapter 4

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Once again, I have to thank everyone who has reviewed!! You know who you are, so thank you!

Chapter 4

As the door slid open, a wave of the recycled air wafted over them. Once the door was fully open, they stepped inside the cold sterile atmosphere of Thunderbird 5. At first glance everything seemed normal. Once they had walked quickly round into the main control room of the space ship it was clear that something was seriously wrong. The vid screen didn't do full justice to the actual situation.

Gordon's first thought on seeing John was "There's so much blood". He immediately rushed over to him, closely followed by Scott and Virgil. Both Scott and Gordon had had emergency medicine training, from their time in the Air Force and WASP respectively. Virgil was also trained in basic first aid, as Jeff insisted on them all having this qualification in case it was needed on any rescues they went on. John's chest wasn't moving so Scott immediately put his fingers to John's wrist, trying to find a pulse. His face went pale, and he shifted his fingers to his neck. His face went grey, and he ripped open John's top and placed his head on his chest as he attempted to find a heartbeat. For Gordon, Virgil, and all the others watching on Tracy Island, time seemed to have stopped. Nobody moved, nobody breathed. After what seemed an age Scott sighed in relief, "He's got a pulse!" Everyone else sighed, and started breathing again.

On Thunderbird 5, things now quickly swung into action. Gordon and Virgil carefully turned John onto his side to get a better look at the site of his injury. They winced as they saw the back of his head. John's thick blond hair was matted with blood, the back of his pyjamas was soaked, and more blood still appeared to be pouring from the wound. Scott walked round to look, and sucked in a breath. A gasp from the console reminded everyone on board that everyone on Tracy Island was watching them. Scott got up and switched Vid-screen off, not wanting to upset anyone more than they already were.

When he turned back, Gordon was already holding a wad of gauze in place on John's head, and Virgil was setting up an oxygen mask. Scott quickly set up the stretcher and then as Virgil placed the oxygen mask over John's face walked over to Gordon, to check on the head wound. On Scott's questioning look, Gordon shook his head worriedly. "I don't think that it's stopping the bleeding Scott." Even as they watched, the gauze pad was quickly soaked through with blood. Gordon hurriedly pressed another one on top and looked up at Scott with pleading eyes "He will be ok wont he?" Scott exchanged glances with Virgil before replying "Of course he will, he's a fighter!" Scott stood up and motioned Virgil away from Gordon and John. He turned to look at John before muttering quietly to Virgil "I don't think that we'll be able to stop the bleeding, he needs medical attention, and quickly. We have to move him ASAP" Virgil nodded in agreement, he was deathly worried about his younger brother, but also saw that if he couldn't keep it together, it would do more harm than good. "Ok Scott, I'll help you get him onto the stretcher, into Thunderbird 3 and then leave you to it." Confused, Scott looked at Virgil. "We can't leave Thunderbird 5 unmanned" explained Virgil patiently "Gordon's in no state to be left up here, we need you to fly Thunderbird 3, which only leaves me" Scott looked at Virgil worriedly. He knew that Virgil spoke the truth, but he didn't like the thought of Virgil being up here alone. As soon as he thought it, he mentally berated himself, John and to a lesser extent Alan, went through a period of being alone regularly. Just being up here in the silence with other people was making Scott a little edgy, he knew that he would hate to be cooped up here for weeks on end, and wondered how John managed it without complaining. Alan was always complaining, but he had never heard John say a bad word about it. He vowed to talk to his father about changing things and maybe giving everyone some time up here. Looking over at Virgil, he saw the same thoughts running through his head, they always had been able to read each other's mind. Virgil gave a wry smile "Talk to Father now, I can start the change now." Turning, they both walked back to John.

Gordon was still holding a gauze pad over John's head wound, but had also managed to set up a heart monitor. It was comforting to everyone on board, to see the green line tracing John's heart beat. Everyone stood looking at it for a moment; they all felt choked up as they realised that they could have lost him. They all steadfastly avoided thinking that they could yet lose him. Scott cleared his throat and muttered gruffly "Lets get him home." Gordon steadied his head, Virgil his feet, and Scott his main body, and in one smooth motion they lifted him onto the waiting stretcher. It was like lifting a feather; John had always been thinner than most of his brothers and he kept himself in shape, but now he was thin to the point of scrawniness. Gordon and Virgil carried John onto Thunderbird 3, whilst Scott updated Jeff about what was going on. He was so concerned about John that he hadn't even thought about replacing him. This was a first in Scott's memory; Jeff normally had International Rescues interests forefront in his mind so him not even thinking about it showed how worried he was about John.

Just as Scott finished talking to Jeff, Virgil burst into Thunderbird 5. "Scott, you'd better get moving, and fast." He said urgently "We can't stop the bleeding, he needs to get to a hospital quickly. I umm, I think his heart rates slowing as well" he finished quietly. Scott closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, "Damn" he muttered. He straightened, took a deep breath and said decisively "Ok, prepare for launch" He turned to Virgil, there was no need for words between them, their eyes said it all. The two brothers embraced before Scott strode off to the airlock, he paused and turned in the doorway "I'll see you soon Virgil, take care" and with that, Scott was gone. A few minutes later, Thunderbird 3 separated from Thunderbird 5 and set off back towards Earth. After alerting Jeff to the fact that Thunderbird 3 had left he called Scott to check on John. He had just established communication with Scott, when he heard Gordon's voice, panicky and worried in the background, "Scott, come quick, Johns heart rates dropping, he's losing his pulse!"


	5. Chapter 5

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Here is chapter 5, I hope you like it!

Chapter 5

Scott's transmission was abruptly cut off, leaving Virgil almost hysterical with worry. "SCOTT! SCOTT!! Come in Scott…. PLEASE…" The communicator remained silent. Virgil ran his hands through his hair whilst trying to decide what to do. He knew that he would never underestimate the work that John and to a lesser extent Alan did up here. He hated being away from what was going on, he thought he might go mad with worry. After a couple of seconds, he decided that he should contact base and break the bad news to them.

Virgil took a deep breath and composed himself to make what he knew would be an unpleasant call. "Thunderbird 5 to base, come in father…"

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Alan went white when Virgil's transmission came in, knowing that it couldn't be good news, seeing as Virgil had just checked in and if it were good, it would be Scott or Gordon calling. He didn't see that much of John as they were always on Earth at separate times, but he still loved his middle brother fiercely. He closed his eyes as his imagination took over and began supplying worst case scenarios. He shook his head to clear his mind of the images and took a deep breath as he waited for Virgil to start talking.

Watching Alan's face was something that Tin-Tin Kyrano liked to do a lot, although she would never have admitted it to him. Watching his face now however was frightening. All of the Tracy brothers seemed to share a psychic link, and from watching his face, she expected the worst. After growing up with all the Tracy boys, she felt like a member of the family, and she had a special soft spot for John. The quietest member of the Tracy family always had time for her, and was always willing to listen to her or teach her about the stars. When she couldn't sleep he was usually there, stargazing as usual, and he would always point out constellations to her. She desperately hoped that he was ok, and that Virgil was checking in for some other reason. Stifling a sob, she clutched Alan's hand and turned back to the screen and waited.

Kyrano, watching his daughter, the light of his life was also worried about "Mr John". He was indebted to Jeff for paying for all of Tin-Tins education and for helping him in his time of need. Him and Jeff were great friends, and Kyrano liked all the Tracy boys very much. He didn't know what would happen if the worst came to the worst. He bowed his head in the silence. Brains sat on the sofa thinking about ways that he could have made Thunderbird 5 a more pleasant place to be, and mentally berating himself for John's condition. He was relatively close to the astronaut, and they often got together to talk about new ways of communicating and new ideas for Thunderbird 5 that they had. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He too was deadly concerned, and waited impatiently for Virgil to start speaking.

Grandma sat with her back straight and head up. On the outside she appeared to be a model of self-control. On the inside she was crying, wailing and stamping her feet. She loved all the boys dearly, and she had spent a lot of time with John as he had taken the death of his mother the worst. She had spent night after night consoling him after he had woken screaming for his mother. She didn't know how Jeff would cope if the worst came to the worst. He still wasn't over losing Lucille; losing one of his precious boys would break his heart. She also knew that it would break the rest of the boys, they were all so close. Her façade slipped for a moment and she quickly took a deep breath and took control of herself again. Her son and grandchildren needed her; there would be time later for whatever emotion was needed.

As soon as Jeff saw the look in Virgil's eyes, he gripped the edge of the desk and prepared for the worst. Virgil had amazingly expressive deep brown eyes, so like his mother thought Jeff. He sent up a silent prayer 'Help me Lucy…' and looked steadily at Virgil. "Go Ahead, Virgil"

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On Thunderbird 3 the situation was going from bad to worse. After Gordon's first panicked shout, Scott had cut Virgil off and gone running in to see what was going on. The heart monitor was beeping frantically and Gordon was checking Johns breathing. He looked up as Scott came into the room and said in a monotone "He's failing. I don't think he's going to make it to earth…. His hearts not strong enough…"

Scott cursed and sprinted back to the control room. He looked quickly at all the systems and pushed all available power into the engines. The ship groaned as it was pushed further beyond its limits than it had ever been before. Scott gave a small smile, imagining what Alan would say if he knew what Scott was putting his "baby" through, before turning back to the task at hand. He knew that there was no time to land at Tracy Island and then transport John to a hospital. They would have to land somewhere that could accommodate Thunderbird 3 and then get John to a hospital as soon as possible. He checked their position and then hurriedly input their co-ordinates into the computer to find the nearest available place where Thunderbird 3 could land.

The computer beeped and Scott jumped. Recovering from his fright quickly, he looked at the screen and on seeing that the nearest available place was Cape Canaveral he immediately opened a Comm channel to the main control room. "Come in Cape Canaveral, this is International Rescue." Scott said in a calm and controlled voice. After a few seconds a slightly confused voice answered "International Rescue, this is Cape Canaveral…what can we do for you?" Without hesitation Scott answered "Requesting permission to land our space ship on your launch pad, we have an injured team member on board requiring immediate medical treatment." There was a pause before a new voice answered crisply "Permission granted International Rescue. We will be pleased to help in any way we can. What nature is the injury that your team member has suffered and when is your estimated time of arrival?"

Scott quickly consulted the on board computer and navigational systems before replying "Cape Canaveral, ETA is approximately 6.5 minutes. Jo…Our team member has suffered trauma to the head, which has caused bleeding that we haven't been able to stop, he is having trouble breathing by himself and his heart rate is falling rapidly. Request immediate emergency medical assistance on landing" There was a muttered discussion before the voice on the other end replied "Understood, International Rescue, emergency medical assistance is standing by. See you shortly, Cape Canaveral out."

Scott sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He knew that with their limited supplies there was little that they could do for John should his heart stop completely. There was only another 5 minutes before landing and he only hoped that John could hold on that long. He quickly called his father to tell him what was going on. Jeff agreed with Scott's plan of action and immediately started preparing to set off to meet them either at Cape Canaveral or at the nearest hospital. That done, he opened the internal channel to speak to Gordon "Gordon, we are going to be landing at Cape Canaveral in approximately 5 minutes, you might wanna get yourself and John strapped in, there will be medical help waiting for us when we land. How is he?" "He's bad Scott, he's real bad…" Gordon said morosely "The sooner we land the better" And with that Gordon cut the link, leaving Scott to concentrate on landing Thunderbird 3 somewhere unfamiliar. He was perfectly able to land it, but as Alan and John were the astronauts, they usually took charge, as it was their official job within International Rescue.

The few minutes that were left before landing seemed to pass like hours. As Cape Canaveral came into view, Scott prepared to land. He warned Gordon over the intercom again before beginning the land sequence as quickly as possible. Minutes later, Thunderbird 3 touched down in a perfect landing. Scott promptly shut down the engines and sprinted to the sick bay to get John off the shuttle as soon as possible. Gordon had got John all ready to go, everything was ready to move. They set off, as soon as they got off the ship and onto the runway they were overrun with medical staff. John was taken off them and transferred to the inside of an ambulance to receive more specialised treatment. As Scott and Gordon went to follow, they were held back. "Sorry gentlemen, but we need to give the ambulance crew room to work. Give them a minute." A tall man said apologetically. He was about to continue speaking when a high pitched whine filled the air, this was followed by a shout from the ambulance crew "We need to get him to a hospital STAT. HIS HEARTS STOPPED BEATING!"


	6. Chapter 6

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Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Thanks again to all reviewers, it is very much appreciated, thanks to Maaike for her "encouragement" :- ) Enjoy Chapter 6.

Chapter 6

As the doors to the ambulance were slammed and the ambulance screeched off, sirens wailing, Gordon felt his knees crumple beneath him. Scott saw his auburn haired brother pale, and immediately threw an arm around his waist, keeping him from crumpling to the floor completely. Scott himself was in shock, he knew that John's condition was serious, but he never expected it to come to this. He dragged Gordon over to a nearby bench and sat him down, before any other Tracy brothers needed emergency attention. Once they were there, Gordon began to sob. All Scott could do was hold his brother tightly. In this situation they were helpless. John's life was completely in the hands of the emergency medical staff. Scott felt himself choke up, but before he could give into the emotion, a familiar voice was heard.

"Scott…. Gordon…" Jeff's voice was calm as he strode across the tarmac towards them. Scott felt immense relief, his father was here, everything would be ok. He was shocked at how Jeff looked though, his father's face was taut and pale, and he looked as if he'd aged ten years in the short space of time that had passed. For his part, Jeff was also shocked at how Gordon and Scott looked. They were covered in a lot of blood, John's blood, he realised with a shiver, and they both looked exhausted. He walked over to them both and hugged them tight. Gordon clung to his father, desperately seeking reassurance; Scott clasped his father tightly before letting him comfort Gordon.

Over the top of Gordon's head Jeff asked Scott about Johns condition, and where he had been taken. A jolt went through Scott as he realised that his father didn't know the worst of the news. "Umm dad, its worse than you think, We just touched down and got him out. They loaded him into the ambulance and then…" his voice cracked and he paused, building up the courage to go on "and then his heart stopped. Then they just left as fast as possible to get him to the hospital…" Scott's voice trailed off as the full impact of what had happened hit him. He sat down and put his head in his hands. All the "what ifs" were running through his head. What if he had pushed Thunderbird 3 right from the start of the journey, then they would have made it back quicker, what if he'd known how space was affecting John, what if… A shaken Jeff interrupted his thoughts, "Son, it wasn't your fault, there's nothing that you could have done, nothing." Scott mutely shook his head, still finding himself able to be amazed at Jeff's ability to read his mind.

Jeff walked over to the tall gentleman who had held Scott and Gordon back and calmly started a conversation, revealing none of the feelings that were flying about inside of him. "Good morning sir, I would like to thank you for making this landing space so readily available to us in our time of need. I'm afraid I must ask you to do a few more things however. The first is to arrange immediate transport for myself and my so...associates to the hospital where our member has been taken. The second is to arrange a guard on our ship, as we can't have anyone having access to her and obtaining our secrets. The third is to relay medical information on our member to the hospital, his name is John, and I have his file here" The tall man nodded crisply, took the file and replied "It would be our pleasure sir. Transport is ready and waiting. My name Sanders, Eric Sanders, if you need anything else, please do not hesitate to ask." Jeff thanked the man before walking back over to Scott and Gordon.

"Scott, Gordon, come on. We need to get to the hospital, Alan, Grandma and Tin Tin will meet us there. Brains and Kyrano are back on the Island looking after things." Scott immediately jumped to his feet, and turned to Gordon. Gordon hadn't reacted at all to what Jeff was saying and Scott literally had to pull him to his feet, as he was so non-responsive. Jeff and Scott both took one of Gordon's arms and between the two of them they managed to get him over to the car that was waiting.

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The car journey to the hospital seemed to take forever, when it reality it was little over ten minutes. The journey was silent, with people in the car lost in their own thoughts. Scott was still thinking about things that he could have done to make their journey back quicker. He blamed himself for John's current state, if only he had noticed sooner. It had to be hell for John being stuck up in "the can" by himself for at least 6 months a year. He himself could easily spend a month up there; it was just selfishness that prevented him from doing so. He vowed that when John was recovered, that he would persuade their father to share out Thunderbird 5 duties more equally.

Jeff too was blaming himself. Him and John shared a passion for astronomy and the stars, and although John claimed to enjoy the peace and time he had for studying the heavens, he felt sure that it must get lonely. Considering how often Alan managed to get out of it John was up there for most of the year. Jeff didn't like John being up there most of the time, but he insisted that he didn't mind taking Alan's place. He sighed as he thought of what his son could have been doing if he hadn't started International Rescue. Then this would never have happened, and John would be furthering his NASA career, or maybe settled down with a wife and kids. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, when he thought of how he had taken away all chance of his sons having a life outside of International Rescue. He was so proud of them all, they had generally willingly given up their chosen career paths to come and be part of this lifesaving operation. None of them had ever complained, least of all John.

Gordon sat in a state of shock in the corner of the car, thinking of the past. He had always been close to John. They had shared secrets when they were younger and still confided in each other now. It was John that he told when his back was hurting, and John was always there, just as he had been during the hydrofoil accident. John had been there for the weeks and weeks of physiotherapy and recovery time and had basically kept Gordon sane. He missed John being away for most of the year, talking on the vid-screens just wasn't the same as talking in person. He blamed himself for what had happened to John. He could see that John wasn't looking well, and should have told their father. If he had, then this may never have happened.

The car stopped at the hospital and Jeff, Scott and Gordon all got out. A woman in a white coat came out to meet them. "Excuse me gentlemen, are you here with an International Rescue team member?" They nodded in the affirmative and the woman continued "I'm Dr Bates, I've been with your member, John isn't it? If you would like to come with me, I will fill you in" They all walked inside the hospital and into a private room.

Scott's insides were twisting in apprehension while he waited for the woman to fill in then in on John's condition. "Well fortunately the paramedics were able to restart his heart." A sigh of relief went round at this, and they all felt as if a great weight had been lifted from their shoulders. "However, his condition is very serious. His head wound is worse than we originally thought, and we have only just managed stop the bleeding and repair the damage. We are also concerned about his physical condition and are running tests to find out what the problem is. If you would like to follow me, I can take you to him now."

The three Tracy men looked at each other. They were all relieved that John was alive, but from what Dr Bates was saying he was by no means out of the woods yet. In silence they followed her out of the room, into a lift and finally stopped outside a private room. She turned to them "I need to warn you of a few things. Firstly don't be alarmed by the number of tubes he has in him. Secondly we have had to shave his head, to get better access at the wound although it may not be completely obvious, as there will be bandages covering his head. The third is that he will not respond to you, he is under heavy sedation but he may be able to hear you, so talk to him. Are you ready?" Gordon swallowed but nodded, Scott closed his eyes briefly before nodding as well, and Jeff took a deep breath before taking a step forward to open the door.


	7. Chapter 7

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Disclaimer: Same as usual, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Last update for the next two weeks, as I shall be away enjoying the British sunshine…. If we actually get any sun! Thanks to all who have reviewed. Enjoy chapter 7!

Chapter 7

Up on Thunderbird 5, Virgil was almost insane with worry. The last time that he had heard anything was from Scott, when John's heart rate was dropping. That was almost an hour ago now. He had called Tracy Island, but it was only Brains and Kyrano there, and they were as clueless as Virgil was on John's condition. He couldn't risk calling anyone else, in case they were at the hospital and someone noticed their watches.

Virgil growled with frustration, and slammed a fist down onto one of the control panels. All this served to do was hurt his hand and increase his anxiety. He was deeply worried about John; he was annoyed with himself for not noticing sooner. He felt that he had been neglecting his brother, he only saw his brother once every other month, if he was lucky.

Being up here, even though it hadn't been long, made him fully appreciate what John went through everytime the rest of them were out on a rescue. He was completely cut off from everyone and everything. The only things he had to keep him company were the occasional beep from one of the control panels and the gentle hum of Thunderbird 5s life support system.

He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. Turning to look out the viewport, he could see the Earth in all its glory. His throat constricted as he looked down on it. It looked so calm and peaceful from where he was, but down there, his brother was seriously injured, and fighting for his life.

Unless…Virgil felt a wave of cold sweep over him and refused to let himself finish the thought. The idea that one of his beloved brothers might be dead was too dreadful to even contemplate. He shivered, and shook his head to try and rid himself of his morbid thoughts. Virgil had always had a vivid imagination, and while this was good for something's, he did not want images like the ones he had.

He sank to the floor and put his head in his hands. He shook his head, and settled in to wait some more.

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Jeff and Scott walked silently into the room. As Gordon followed and saw the state John was in, he let out a horrified gasp. He couldn't help it, John looked terrible. Jeff and Scott shared Gordon's shock, but managed to hide it better. They had been through something similar to this when Gordon had been in his hydrofoil accident, and knew how it felt to walk in on a loved one looking like this.

John was still extremely pale, his head was bandaged and you could just see his shorn head poking through the top. He seemed to be covered in tubes, one coming out of his mouth helping him breathe, and numerous other IV tubes. He had electrodes attached to his bare chest and a heart monitor was tracing his heartbeat on a screen with a slow but steady 'beep'. He looked so small and vulnerable that all three visitors felt their throats constrict.

Jeff was the first to approach the bed. He gently picked up John's hand, carefully avoiding the IV tube, and sat down at the bedside.

"John…" was all Jeff managed before his voice cracked. Scott immediately walked forwards and put his hand on Jeff's shoulder. Jeff reached up and grasped it tightly. Scott turned and beckoned Gordon over, when Gordon reached him; he immediately put his arm around his shoulders. Gordon leaned into his brother's embrace, feeling the protection and comfort that his big brother was radiating.

"Its ok, John's a fighter, he'll get through this just fine" Scott said reassuringly, wishing that he felt as confident as he sounded.

Both Gordon and Jeff felt comforted by Scott's words, John _was_ a fighter, he was extremely stubborn and refused to let anything beat him. Scott only prayed that he was right, and that John would fight.

Scott would give anything, including his own life, for any of his brothers. He hoped with every fibre of his being that John would be ok. He wanted nothing more at this moment in time for his brother to open his sapphire blue eyes and quietly tell them to stop fussing.

Scott knew that even though John was the quietest, he had so much to say and offer on things. He had very strong opinions and wouldn't hesitate to voice them if he thought it was needed. Scott missed John; him and his two oldest brothers were very close, even though they were not as close as John and Gordon or Scott and Virgil…. VIRGIL!!

"Oh God" muttered Scott no one had called in to fill Virgil in on the current situation. Scott was willing to bet that Virgil was quietly going mad with worry as for all Virgil knew, John could be dead. Scott quickly freed himself from his Father and brothers embrace and went to the en suite bathroom to call him.

"Virgil, come in Virgil" he murmured into his watch.

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Virgil jumped as the Comm channel loudly beeped, signalling an incoming call. He scrambled quickly to his feet and practically sprinted the short distance to the console. He took a moment to compose himself before opening the channel.

"International Rescue" he said calmly, praying that it would be someone calling in to update him on John.

"Virgil, its me" Scott's voice crackled out of the speaker as his picture appeared on the screen.

Virgil clutched the sides of the control panel, taking in how tired and worried Scott looked, as he responded "How's he doing?"

"Well…he's stable at the moment, but they're still running tests." Scott paused and looked away before continuing sombrely "He looks real bad Virge, he's so thin and covered in tubes…The doctors say that he's not out of the woods yet. I guess we were lucky that they were able to start his heart again."

The relief that Virgil had been feeling vanished abruptly to be replaced with a cold hand of fear around his heart. "_His heart stopped?!_" whispered Virgil incredulously "Oh God…" his voice trailed off and he stared unseeing at what was in front of him.

Scott looked worried, and then enlightenment dawned on him. "You didn't know that his heart stopped," he said flatly.

Virgil shook his head, unable to speak.

Scott opened his mouth to say something else before being cut off by a high pitched beeping coming from the other room.

"I've gotta go" he said urgently "I'll call later"

Once again Virgil was left alone with his thoughts. He slumped to the floor with nothing to do but wait impatiently for more news.

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The high pitched beeping grew louder as Scott ran out of the bathroom and back into John's room. He automatically registered the presence of the rest of his family, Alan had arrived along with Tin-Tin and Grandma, but the main focus of his attention was on John.

John was convulsing, his muscles violently tensing and relaxing and causing him to jerk violently. A nurse was desperately trying to hold his head to prevent him smashing it on anything while other white-coated people tried to hold his thrashing limbs down. The door burst open as more doctors and nurses came rushing in.

Scott found himself pushed to one side, along with the rest of his family, as the medical staff tried desperately to stop the convulsions. Then, John went still.


	8. Chapter 8

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Disclaimer: Same as usual, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Well I'm back, surprisingly there was sun, and I managed to get some writing done too! Enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 8

Scott breathed a sigh of relief as John went still. The high pitched beeping had stopped, so for now, it looked as if the worst was over. He wondered what else could possibly go wrong, if anything.

Scott finally acknowledged the rest of his family and walked over to stand with them as one of the doctors approached. The young doctor looked harried and tired as he began speaking to them all.

"Well I won't lie to you," he said in a British accent "We are still unsure of what the problem is, he will be going for a scan shortly and hopefully that will provide some answers. The seizure that you were unfortunate enough to witness could have been due to many things, a reaction to the antibiotics or his head trauma for example. The scan will help us discover what it is or isn't, and in the meantime we'll change his antibiotics to see if it has an -"

He broke off mid sentence as his pager beeped. He turned away to squint at it, before turning back to the cluster of people gathered in the corner of the room.

"Ok, the scanner is free so we will be taking your man up shortly. If one or two of you would like to accompany him then you would be most welcome," he said briskly.

Jeff nodded as he said quietly "Thank you Doctor –" he stopped abruptly and sought to find a nametag on the doctors white coat.

The doctor, seeing what Jeff was doing gave a small grin, "Stokes, Greg Stokes" he supplied.

Jeff inclined his head in thanks as he continued "Dr Stokes. Thank you for everything you are doing. I trust we will be kept up to date on his condition?"

"Of course. Now if you'll excuse me" Dr Stokes turned to the nurses hovering around John's bed and proceeded to instruct them to prepare for moving the patient upstairs to the MRI suite.

All of the Tracy family then turned to Jeff who was standing quietly and thinking.

"Right," Jeff said decisively "Scott, you stay here and fill everyone in on what's been happening. Myself and Gordon will go with John."

Everyone nodded or made noises that Jeff took to be agreement. Then, one by one they all fell silent as they turned to look at John, still so pale and unmoving, on the bed. The nurses worked quickly and efficiently around him, connecting him up to a portable heart monitor, detaching IV bags from the stands, generally preparing him for the move. Seconds later, he was ready and a green robed orderly had arrived to take him up to the MRI suite.

Dr Stokes followed them as far as the door, before pausing and turning, eyebrows raised enquiringly, to Jeff.

Jeff, understanding, nodded and said quietly "Myself and this young man" indicating Gordon as he spoke "will accompany him."

The young doctor nodded, his dark blonde hair falling into silky peaks as he wearily ran a hand through it. "Ok, if you'd like to follow me" He gestured down the corridor with his hands and turned to walk out the room.

Gordon and Jeff glanced quickly round at their family. Grandma walked forwards and gave them both a quick hug before literally shooing them both out the door. She briefly squeezed her eyes shut as they walked out, and sent up a silent prayer of hope before turning back to the rest of the assembled family.

"So now Scott, why don't you fill us in?" she ordered rather than asked.

Scott sighed, wondering where to begin.

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Jeff and Gordon walked quickly after Dr Stokes as he navigated the maze of corridors with apparent ease. He stopped as they reached the lifts and turned to face them. "I'm sorry that you couldn't travel to the MRI suite," he apologised "there's just no room in the lifts."

There was a brief silence that was shattered by the 'ping' announcing the arrival of the elevator. The three men filed on quickly, with Dr Stokes being the last person on. Pressing the button for the sixth floor he moved to face the other men in the lift and said with some degree of embarrassment "Umm…I know that this isn't the best time, but I wanted to tell you how much I admire the work you do with International Rescue. It reinforced my decision about becoming a doctor actually…"

Jeff and Gordon both unconsciously straightened with pride. It was always nice to receive praise for what you did, and it made Jeff realise that John too was proud of what he did. If the cause of John's collapse was due to too much time in space, John wouldn't mind, as he would argue that they had saved possibly hundreds of people because someone had been there to receive the calls for aid. He would point out that it was one life for hundreds, and even though this particular life was very dear to the Tracy family, he was right, so it didn't matter what effect space had on him.

Jeff gave a small fond smile, knowing full well that his stubborn and generous middle son would use that argument, and win. Returning to the present situation, Jeff thanked the doctor.

"Thank you, we try our best. I would also like to thank you again for the work that you are doing for…our member."

Dr Stokes was a shrewd man, and immediately picked up on Jeff's hesitation. He wondered what he had been going to say, but chose not to comment; figuring that International Rescue had every right to keep its secrets.

"International Rescue are famous throughout the world for helping others, it is the least we can do to see that your member gets the best treatment available" said Dr Stokes quietly.

Jeff nodded in thanks and turned his attention to the lift display panel, it seemed to be taking forever to get to their destination. Suddenly he remembered that Lady Penelope hadn't been informed of what was going on, talking to the Englishman had made him remember. He made a mental note to call her as soon as he could.

Risking another glance at the display panel, Jeff suppressed a sigh and willed the lift to move faster. Looking over at Dr Stokes he found the young doctor staring at his watch. Jeff's eyes narrowed, "Are we keeping you from something?" he enquired coolly.

Dr Stokes looked up. "Sorry," he apologised "Its my parents wedding anniversary today, I meant to call them at home, say happy anniversary, let them know that I'm ok, but with the time difference I'm usually working…" His voice trailed off and a look of sadness flitted across his face.

Jeff immediately felt bad and it struck him that this was kind of how John lived his life. He also knew how Dr Stokes parents would feel. "Where's home?" he asked.

"England…Watford to be exact, a town just outside London." He sighed nostalgically "Don't get me wrong, I love living and working here, but its true, there is no place like home."

The lift finally arrived at their destination and no more small talk was exchanged. Jeff and Gordon followed Dr Stokes through a set of double doors, into what they assumed was the MRI suite. They were led into a small room that contained a computer, numerous computer monitors and a few other pieces of equipment. A man with wild curly hair was sitting at the computer, tapping keys and peering at the monitor.

One wall was completely glass and through it they could see John, sliding headfirst into what was presumably the scanner.

Gordon, who had up to this point remained silent, gasped as he saw his brother surrounded by white coated people and sliding headfirst into this massive machine.

"Its not as bad as it looks" reassured Dr Stokes "All that's basically going to happen is that we're going to take pictures of his brain." Indicating the technician seated at the computer, he added, "Mike here can tell you more about it."

"Yup, well Greg here has pretty much given you the basics." Said Mike with a strong Texan accent, as he turned to look at them "We are taking pictures of his brain, but with the MRI scan we can take pictures from almost any angle, which makes it better than a CAT scan. This means that we can tell what is, or isn't the problem. You'll be able to see the images on these screens here, then they will be printed out and the specialist called in to look at them."

Just then, one of the white-coated people gave a thumbs up to Mike, which he returned. Hitting a few keys on the keyboard he sat back and waited. There was a banging noise, which Mike reassured them was completely normal, and a couple of minutes later, images started appearing on the screen.

As the first image appeared on the screen, Mike and Dr Stokes exchanged a surreptitious glance. Even though it had been subtle, Jeff picked up on it and immediately started staring at the images on the screen, wishing that he could tell what was normal and what wasn't.

He prayed that it was nothing serious, that everything was normal and John just had concussion. Jeff would give anything, all the money he had ever owned, anything, just for John to wake up, or even show the slightest sign of life. He let out a deep breath and bowed his head as he closed his eyes.

Dr Stokes heard him and glanced over at him, his face worried. Avoiding Jeff's questioning gaze, he said gently "Maybe this isn't the best place for you to be right now."

As Jeff opened his mouth to interrupt, Dr Stokes put up a hand and carried on talking, "I mean it, the scans almost over and the specialist will be here shortly to look at them. As soon as we know the result, you will, you have my word on that."

Gordon, who had also picked up on the glance that the doctor and Mike had exchanged, now spoke up. "Is there something that you're not telling us Doctor?" he said, clearly displeased.

Dr Stokes was amazed at the amount of emotion radiating from the young man. Gordon's amber eyes were full of different emotions, anger, confusion, and fear. He was clearly worried about John, someone that he seemed to care for with the love of a brother. Again Dr Stokes wondered, but guessed that International Rescue were frequently putting their lives in each others hands, which would create a strong bond quite quickly.

Returning to the matter in hand, he quickly gathered his thoughts. "Well neither myself or Mike are properly qualified to read and interpret the scans, so we know as much as you do. As I said the specialist will be here shortly, and as you will be the first person to know the result. Dr Willows is the best there is. So if you'd like to go back downstairs and rejoin with your members, then I'll be down as soon as possible."

Jeff and Gordon, powerless to do anything, nodded and allowed themselves to be shepherded out of the room and back towards the lifts. They were both uneasy, but could see the truth in Dr Stokes words. Privately, Jeff thought that Dr Stokes was perfectly able to make a diagnosis, and the fact that he wouldn't tell them, worried him to his core. He immediately began running through the possible things that it could be, none of them good. He suppressed a shiver as his thoughts took him places he didn't want to go.

Gordon was also lost in his own thoughts. Suddenly, he blurted out "Is John going to die?"

Jeff was shaken by the question. His first instinct was to vehemently deny it, but on further reflection realised that he couldn't promise that he wouldn't. His shoulders slumped as he pulled Gordon into a hug and whispered sadly "I don't know son, I just don't know…"

The rest of the journey back downstairs was silent, both men retreating back into their own thoughts. As they reached Johns room, they were met with the sight of John, still pale and unmoving, being moved back into his room. Following his bed in, they were met with anxious glances from the rest of the family.

"Well?" enquired Grandma, after no answers were forthcoming from Jeff or Gordon.

Jeff glanced at Gordon who was standing staring at the floor before shrugging and answering "We don't know, the specialist is looking at the scans. They say they'll be down to tell us as soon as they know. All we can do is wait…"

The family sighed. It was going to be a long and tedious wait. Everyone was silent, all lost in their thoughts. Some were pacing, others sitting, all were feeling that the wait was taking forever.

Finally, Dr Stokes walked into the room, followed by a tall, slim brunette. Both looked sombre and the assembled family immediately felt their hearts drop. "This is Dr Willows, the specialist. She has read John's scan…I'm sorry, there's no easy way to say this…John has cancer, more specifically a brain tumour…."


	9. Chapter 9

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Disclaimer: Same as usual, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television.

AN: Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers, you are all great people!

FrankieC – greetings from a fellow Watforder!

Sorry about the delay in updates, seemed my muse went on holiday! I hope that you enjoy the chapter…

Chapter 9

Time seemed to stop as the words "Cancer" and "Brain Tumour" were uttered. As the news sunk in, the members of the Tracy family reacted in different ways. Alan gasped, and turned to clutch a weeping Tin-Tin to him. Grandma looked as if she'd aged ten years as she stood there trying to control the tears dripping down her face.

Gordon gave a choked cry and jerked as if someone had physically hit him in the stomach. The colour drained out of him and his eyes rolled back into his head. Scott, who was still looking out for his brothers even after receiving such news, noticed and immediately moved to catch him. He lowered the dead weight gently to the floor and quickly checked Gordon's vital signs before turning to his father.

Jeff was just standing there, motionless and with no expression on his face at all. Only his eyes betrayed his emotions.

"Dad?" said Scott timidly, worried by the look in Jeff's eyes.

Jeff whipped his head round to look at Scott, before turning back to look at John. He uttered a choked cry and dashed out of the room.

Scott ran after him, after pausing to hastily tell Alan to look after Gordon. He found his father sitting in a chair, head in hands, body shaking with sobs. Scott approached his father slowly, and put a hand on his shoulders. Jeff started slightly, then relaxed when he saw that it was Scott.

Jeff put his hand over Scott's, before pulling him down and holding him tightly. It was unusual for the Tracy men to be showing so much emotion, but the news about John had hit them all hard.

Scott held his father tightly, trying to keep his own emotions in check.

"Dad," he said "We should go back and talk to the doctors, check our options. We don't know for sure how bad it is and if its cur…" his voice cracked here and he quickly cleared his throat before completing the sentence. "Curable or not."

Jeff nodded and took a deep breath. He straightened up, back in control. The only things showing how upset he was were his eyes and the tightness of his face.

"Thank you, Scott." He said quietly and walked back down the corridor.

Scott followed at a distance, something nagging at the back of his mind, something he should do. As he came up to the door leading to John's room, it clicked.

Virgil! He didn't know anything that had happened in the last hour or so, Scott had left him when the machines were beeping because John was fitting.

"Oh God…" he groaned. He knew that telling Virgil would be unpleasant and resolved to get it over with as soon as possible.

Walking into the room, he found his family clustered round the bed. Grandma and a pale, shaky looking Gordon were sitting on the chairs closest to the bed, while everyone else was standing.

Scott walked quickly over to stand behind Gordon, and rested his hand on Gordon's shoulder. Gordon looked up at him and gave a weak smile before fixing his gaze back on John's inert body.

Jeff cleared his throat and turned to the two doctors, who had been standing talking quietly, away from the family.

Dr Willows and Dr Stokes, getting the hint, walked quickly over to the bed.

"I would like to know the full extent of the illness, and if there is anything we can do about it" requested Jeff, his voice steady and betraying no emotion.

The doctors exchanged glances, before Dr Willows asked "Are you sure you want me to talk about this in front everyone, Sir?"

Jeff looked round at his family, who all nodded before turning back to the doctors and answering in the affirmative.

"Well, the type of tumour that John has is called an 'Astrocytoma'" Explained Dr Willows, "Astrocytomas are tumours that come from the support cells of the brain and these tumours can either be superficial or deep. John's tumour is deep and quite advanced. We think that it is malignant, which is not a good prognosis. To be blunt, an operation is John's only chance of survival. Without it he has no chance, but the operation is risky in itself as the tumour is deep…We would recommend surgery followed by radiation treatment, but it is your choice." 

There was a moment's silence as the assembled family absorbed what the doctor had said.

"So, what you're basically telling me is this: either we do nothing and he dies, or he has the operation where he could still die anyway?" Jeff said woodenly.

Scott, Gordon and Alan winced to hear it put so bluntly, but kept quiet, wanting to hear the doctor's answer.

"Pretty much, yes." Said Dr Willows hesitantly. "If you do feel that the operation is the best course of action for your operative, then you need to get next of kin permission for it. I'm sorry, that's the rules."

Scott and his father exchanged worried glances at her words. International Rescues secrecy was the most important thing, after saving lives, and to have to reveal their identities could be fatal for the future of the organisation. But, if they didn't, then it could be fatal for John.

Indecision was plain to see on Jeff' face, and Dr Stokes, noticing this said quietly

"We'll give you some time to think about it sir, its never an easy decision to make. Also, we will take John off the sedatives that he is on, so that you can talk to him about it, although he may be confused and in no fit state to make an informed decision."

Jeff nodded his thanks as the doctors disconnected one of John's IV's and walked out the room.

Jeff sighed deeply as he sank to the floor and put his head in his hands. No parent should have to decide the fate of their child. Did he sentence John to certain death? Or did he decide on the operation, where he could lose him anyway, and without a chance to say goodbye?

Thoughts were pounding round his head as he tried to make a decision. He wondered what John himself would want.

As if reading his thoughts, Scott said hesitantly "I think he would want the operation, dad, just because there is a chance of him making it. Our Johnny's a fighter."

The rest of the family nodded in agreement. Gordon spoke up then,

"It's not his time, he should have the operation" he said softly.

Finding his family all agreeing on this, Jeff slowly nodded. He did agree with Scott and Gordon.

"Ok," he said distractedly, planning out the course of action that they would take. "Alan, Tin-Tin, you go back to Thunderbird 3 and go get Virgil down from Thunderbird 5, I want us all together. Scott, you call Virgil and tell him…tell him what is going on. Gordon, if you could call Penny, tell her what's going on, and ask her to put out a broadcast saying that International Rescue are not operating at the moment, due to a member being grievously ill."

As he assigned each person a job, they nodded and prepared to leave do what they had been asked.

"Before you go though," Jeff said quickly, "I am going to tell Dr Stokes that I am Johns father, so that he can have permission to operate. I will obviously ask him to keep this secret…I just don't see any other option…"

Scott didn't like the thought of his Father revealing who he was, and his face showed his displeasure. Suddenly it cleared, as an idea struck him.

"Father!" he exclaimed, "Why don't we make Dr Stokes an International Rescue agent? That way we are guaranteed his loyalty and his discretion."

The rest of the faces in the room cleared as Scott came up with this viable solution.

"Good idea, son" said Jeff with a small smile. "Does everyone understand what they're doing?" everyone nodded. "Good. I'll see you all later then"

And with that, he strode purposefully out of the room. The rest of the family began to disperse. Alan and Tin-Tin walked out the room, prepared to go and get Virgil from Thunderbird 5. Scott and Gordon ducked into the bathroom to contact Virgil and Lady Penelope respectively.

This left Grandma alone with John. She sighed as she brushed a strand of hair that was peeping out of the bandage, away from his forehead.

"My poor sweetheart" she muttered softly, "As if your daddy hadn't had enough stress and worry in his life…you need to fight for him Johnny, his sons are the most important thing in his life, both he and your brothers would be broken if they lost you. The world would be a poorer place without you, sweetheart."

She picked up his hand, and stroked it gently. She quickly wiped her eyes and resolved to stay strong from now on.

There was a 'bang' as the door to the bathroom closed as Scott and Gordon walked out. Scott looked tired and upset, from which Grandma deduced that the call to Virgil had not been easy.

She was correct. Virgil was one of the most sensitive Tracy's, and he had not taken the news well. Scott had trouble getting a word in edgeways as he was met with an irate Virgil, insane with worry after Scott had abruptly cut him off earlier and annoyed that it had taken so long for them to call back, it had after all, been hours.

Once Scott had explained the diagnosis and that he was coming home, Virgil had abruptly cut the connection. Scott suspected that his brother was deeply upset and did not want anyone to see him vent his emotion.

He sighed as he turned his attention back to the current situation, and asked Gordon what Penelope had said. He nodded as Gordon told them that Penelope sent her love, and would take care of what they had asked her too.

The room fell silent then, apart from the steady beep of the heart monitor. Gordon slumped back into his chair and picked up Johns other hand. Scott took up his place behind Gordon, and they all sat there, lost in their thoughts, waiting for Jeff to return.

And return he did. He walked in about five minutes later, looking tired, but in control. As the gathered family looked enquiringly at him he nodded before elaborating on what had happened.

"Well Dr Stokes is thrilled to be asked to be an International Rescue agent, and has promised to keep our identity secret. He's gonna talk to Dr Willows and tell her that he's got permission from the next of kin. I think that he is genuinely sorry about John, he's a good man I feel."

Jeff was about to say more, when a small moan came from the bed.

They immediately fixed their attention on the figure lying in the bed, praying for him to wake up.

John groaned again and opened his eyes. He immediately closed them again as the bright hospital lights assaulted his eyes. Squinting, he looked round him and jerked in surprise to see his father, Scott, Gordon and Grandma sitting next to him.

"W-Where am I?" he asked groggily.

"You're in hospital, son. Do you remember passing out on Thunderbird 5?" questioned Jeff.

There was a pause as John thought about this before replying "No. What's wrong with me? Did I hurt my eye by any chance?"

The others in the room exchanged questioning glances before Jeff hesitantly asked, "No, why do you think that?"

There was a moments silence, before John answered quietly "I assumed there was a bandage over it, I can't see out of it"


	10. Chapter 10

__

Disclaimer: Same old, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television

AN: Sorry about the delay, I found myself with a case of writers block…. Fortunately it has now gone! Thank you to all reviewers, and the people who give me the occasional poke when I need it! Hope everyone who got results from exams did well. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 10

Why? Why does it keep getting worse? Is there anything else that could possibly go wrong?

These thoughts ran quickly through Jeff Tracy's head as he gazed down on his blonde middle son. A choked sob quickly drew his attention, and he looked over in time to see Gordon rush into the connecting bathroom and shut the door.

Scott immediately got up to follow him, but paused to give John a small smile and say softly

"Its good to see you awake, John. You gave us one hell of a scare, let me tell you"

He then turned and walked quickly after his younger brother into the bathroom.

John then turned worried eyes on his Father.

"What's up with Gordon, dad?"

Jeff sighed, typical John, more concerned with the welfare of his brothers than his own. He looked into John's eyes, one filled with concern for his brother, the other staring sightlessly at him.

He suppressed a shiver at the sight of that blank eye, and resolved to tell John about his condition and let him decide. Jeff glanced at his mother, who immediately picked up the hint and dropped a kiss on John's cheek, before walking into the bathroom.

John had also caught the glance and immediately became suspicious.

"What's going on?" he demanded with narrowed eyes.

When Jeff didn't answer, John got worried.

"Father? Has something happened to one of the boys? You seem…I don't know…" John's voice trailed off, as his imagination supplied him possible scenarios.

Seeing the anxiety in John's eye, Jeff was quick to reassure him that his brothers were fine.

John visibly relaxed on hearing this and sank back into his pillows, suppressing a wince as pressure was put on his gash.

Jeff took a deep breath and mentally readied himself to break the terrible news.

"John," he said gently "It's…Its not good news. The reason that you collapsed up on Five, is because…because…."

He trailed off, unwilling to say the words, words that had been echoing around his head since they had found out. He was their father for goodness sake, he was supposed to protect them from things that could hurt them.

Jeff knew that his sons faced danger everyday with International Rescue, but now one of them had been struck down by something on the inside, something unseen, something that he couldn't prevent.

He swallowed hard as he tried to finish his sentence and get the words out of his mouth.

"It's cancer, John. You've got a brain tumour." He finally blurted out.

Jeff turned away and hastily swiped a hand across his eyes before turning back to his son.

John was just sitting there, a small frown creasing his forehead, apparently trying to absorb what he had just been told.

__

Cancer. The word sucked all the air out of John's lungs and left him gasping. It echoed around his brain and invaded his thoughts. It made him angry.

He muttered something under his breath that Jeff didn't catch. On seeing Jeff's blank expression, he asked louder

"How bad is it? What are my choices, what are my chances even? Or am I dying? No, I can't be, otherwise the others would be here. Cant have them taking time off for anything else can we now?"

Jeff gasped at the words pouring out of his son's mouth, at the bitterness in them, bitterness that he had probably caused by sending John up to Thunderbird Five every other month.

"John…" words failed him again and he just stood there, mouth open, gaping at John.

"Well? Are you going to answer my questions?" John asked bitterly.

"I…umm well your best chance is an operation, but there are risks with that. But without it, then it's…its terminal."

John flinched as if he'd been slapped. Abruptly, his face crumpled and a tear slid slowly down his face. He angrily brushed it away and turned away from his father.

Just then, Gordon walked back in, followed by Scott and Grandma. Taking stock of the situation, he immediately walked over to his brother and enveloped him in a hug.

On feeling Gordon's arms around him, John burst into silent sobs.

"Please…go, I need to be alone" John said brokenly.

"I'm not going anywhere John." The resolute tone of Gordon's voice meant that he could not be persuaded to do anything else.

John, knowing this from past experiences, simply nodded and gestured to the others.

"Please Gordy…. J-just you stay"

Gordon's only answer was to tighten his hold on his brother. As the others silently left the room, the two brothers were left clinging to each other, the silence only broken by John's sobs.

Gordon was unsure of how long he had been sitting there when John regained his control. Time had lost all meaning since they had got stuck inside this nightmare they couldn't wake up from.

John eventually broke away from Gordon, and looked away, embarrassed at his crying fit. After all, Tracy boys didn't cry.

Gordon knew exactly what he was thinking and was quick to reassure him.

"Its ok, John. It's affected everyone like this, and you…you have the most right of all to react as you want to…Have you decided what you want to do yet?"

Gordon was worried about breaching the subject, but knew that it needed to be discussed and decisions made quickly.

John sighed and looked back at Gordon.

"I dunno Gord, I basically have to choose between certain death or possible death…but at least with the certain death I would have time to…prepare, ya no?" John shivered at the morbid nature of the conversation and also as the implications of the decision he would have to make sunk in.

His voice became soft as he voiced his feelings.

"I'm…I'm scared Gordon. I never dreamed that it could all possibly end like this. I thought maybe with International Rescue, maybe up in space. Never being taken over by something inside my body, something I cant control…" His voice trailed off as he drifted into his own thoughts.

"I don't wanna die…but if I'm gonna, I definitely don't want to die alone on the operating table. I don't want to die alone!" John's voice, which had been quiet, gradually got louder, until he practically yelled the last part.

"Sorry" he apologised, "It's just that…you remember that rescue don't you? The landslide in France?"

Gordon thought back, and looked down as he recalled the rescue. They knew that it was never possible to save them all, but when a life was lost, as it had been in this rescue, it felt like a failure.

Gordon nodded in affirmation and John continued. "Well the guy who died was the guy who called for help. He was so thankful that he'd managed to get through to us, so so thankful. It meant that his friends, his family could be saved. He knew he was doomed, he just told me he was thankful he'd been able to hear another voice before he died…"

John sat quietly for a minute, thinking back to that day. "I couldn't leave him like that, so I carried on talking to him. He told me about his wife, his three-year-old daughter, how much he loved them. When it neared…the end, and he felt his oxygen running out, he thanked me. Told me he'd been trying to come to terms with dying alone, stuck under a landslide in the pitch black. He was so glad that he wasn't alone. He was so terrified about being alone…I know how he felt, that's kind of like how Thunderbird 5 is, isolated and alone. If something happened up there, I'd be that guy, dying alone without a chance of rescue."

Gordon looked astounded. John had never told him what had happened during that rescue. For him to live with that fear, and yet still spend most of his time up on Thunderbird Five showed his courage and his commitment towards his family and International Rescue.

Gordon shook his head sadly. "Oh John, I had no idea…why didn't you tell me?" he questioned.

John shrugged his shoulders. He looked down and began to play with his hands, wincing when he knocked the needle keeping him connected to his IV. Suddenly, his body went rigid and the colour drained from his face.

He just had time to grab for a bowl before vomiting copiously into it. He groaned and slumped back into his pillows with his eyes closed.

Gordon looked worriedly at the heart monitor, which was now starting to beep faster and faster.

"John?" he questioned fearfully.

"Gordon, get a doctor, I don't know what's going on." John managed to mutter between gritted teeth.

Gordon immediately hit the alarm. A few seconds later, Jeff, Grandma and Scott all burst in, quickly followed by Dr Stokes and Dr Willows.

"What happened?" demanded Dr Willows.

"Umm…well we were talking and then he went pale, was sick and then told me to get a doctor because he didn't know what was going on."

Jeff placed a comforting hand on Gordon's shoulders before turning his attention to the two doctors.

"What's wrong with him?" cried Gordon.

Dr Stokes turned to face them as Dr Willows examined John quickly.

"Well Astrocytomas can cause vomiting, which is probably why he was sick. Now he's complaining of a severe headache and having black spots in front of his vision." He lowered his voice as he continued. "I don't know if you are aware of this, but he has lost his vision in one of his eyes…"

As Jeff confirmed that in fact, he did know this, Dr Stokes nodded.

"Ok, well that this means that the tumour is pressing on vital parts of his brain, for example the parts that control his sight. The tumour is getting worse, sir. The longer we leave it, the worse his chances are. If he's having the operation, he needs is as soon as possible, today if feasible. You have to make a decision." He urged.

Jeff sighed, and ran a hand over the stubble on his chin.

"Let me talk to him, alone."

Dr Stokes nodded and gestured to Dr Willows who nodded before walking out the room, Dr Stokes following closely behind.

"John, they need the go ahead for the operation…" Jeff said hesitantly.

John opened one eye, before immediately snapping it closed again, screwing up face in pain as the light hit his retinas. He groaned, and reached up his hands to begin massaging his temples.

"Dad, listen. I don't want the operation, if I have to die, I want it to be on my terms, I don't want to die alone on the operating table. _I don't want the operation!"_


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Same as usual, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television

AN: Once again I need to apologise for the delay, but here finally is the chapter!! Thank you exceedingly to all that have reviewed, and I hope that you all enjoy the chapter!

"Son, please, think about what you are saying!" Jeff pleaded with his stubborn middle son.

"Dad, please, its my life, I have the –"

Jeff cut him off halfway through his sentence.

"Maybe so, but it is likely that you will survive the operation. Please John, don't condemn yourself to certain death. It would kill the boys…it would kill me…"

John shifted uneasily in his bed, his indecision plain to see on his face. His loyalty for his brothers and his father ran deep. With Jeff putting it so plainly, he was torn between what he wanted and what his father wanted.

"But…but there will be time for me to make arrangements and say goodbye this way…otherwise if something goes wrong, it will be sudden, and I'll be alone…" He paused and took a deep breath, trying to control the emotion that was threatening to spill out.

Jeff sighed on seeing this. "Oh John" he muttered sadly. He opened his mouth to say more, but John interrupted.

"Please, dad…I need to talk to the others…separately."

Jeff nodded, and turned to walk out the door. Pausing just before, he turned back to John, a small, sad smile playing about his lips.

"Your mother always said that even though you were a dreamer, once you had made up your mind, nothing would change it…she was right…as always" He sighed sadly and walked quickly out the door.

John gave a small groan and collapsed back onto his pillows. The pain medication was starting to kick in, and he was able to see things out of his one good eye without it becoming blurry. Even so, he squeezed his eyes shut, exhaling deeply as the door opened.

He listened to the sure, steady, march-like steps as the person approached the bed. The steps were precise and even, meaning it could only be either Scott or Gordon, as they were the only ones with military experience. From the sound, he guessed Scott, as he was slightly larger and heavier than Gordon.

"Hey Scott" he said, and opened his eyes in time to see a look of surprise flit across his eldest brother's face.

"Have you been watching me since I walked in?" asked Scott suspiciously.

John smirked as he replied "I could tell it was you, from your fairy footsteps."

Scott's face relaxed into a grin, which was quickly replaced with a much more serious expression.

John sighed and looked away, knowing what was coming. Sure enough, he wasn't disappointed.

"I really think you should have the operation, John. After all, a 60 chance of living is better than 0. If you don't, that's basically condemning yourself to death! You have so much to live for John, you can't just give up."

A snort from John interrupted Scott's speech and Scott raised a questioning eyebrow. John gave a small shake of his head, and received a frown from Scott before he continued.

"You've got like the most important role in International Rescue…"

John snorted again, and this time spoke up in answer to Scott's questioning glance.

"Oh please Scott, I'm just a glorified answering machine. It's all you guys who are the essential core of International Rescue. Even Alan's been on more rescues than I have. Don't get me wrong, I love being up with the stars, but sometimes, I just feel…I don't know."

"But you are good at your job, you are what keeps the rest of us together when we're on rescues, I know that I couldn't do it without you, and Virgil told me that he couldn't either. I'm pretty sure that Gordon and Alan feel the same." Scott finished what he was saying and fixed his eyes on his brother.

John looked away. "I just feel so useless" he muttered. "What if one of you got hurt, all I could do would be sit around and wait to find out what happened, there would be nothing I could do."

"You're the one who keeps us all grounded. If one of us were hurt, you'd be there to talk to them and reassure them. You are the voice of International Rescue. None of us could do such a good job as you, not Alan, not me and not Virgil. In fact, I know Virgil couldn't do it, he told me he hated it, and he'd only been up there for a couple of hours."

John nodded absently, before snapping his head round to look at Scott. He winced at the sudden movement but concentrated his gaze on his eldest brother.

"Wait, _Virgil's_ up on Five?" he questioned incredulously.

As Scott replied in the affirmative, John shook his head and gave a smirk. "He'd better be treating my bird right!"

Scott laughed. It was well known that all of the brothers were fiercely protective of their respective Thunderbirds, and even though John and Alan were supposed to share time up on Five, everyone regarded it as John's bird.

But would it remain John's bird if he died? Scott's thoughts became morbid, and he quickly turned his attention back to the current situation. From the look on John's face, his thoughts had taken him to the same place. Seeing his brother's resolve apparently weakening, he took his chance.

"That's why you need the operation John. So that you _are_ there, up on _your _bird. We need you, all of us do. If you…die, it would hurt us all so so much. It would kill Father, it would kill Alan, kill Virgil, kill Gordon…kill me." Scott swallowed and looked at John with eyes that were blazing with emotion.

Two pairs of blue eyes met, and a silent argument was held. Eye contact was broken when John squeezed his eyes shut and said urgently "hand me a bowl"

Scott quickly passed him a bowl and winced in sympathy as his brother threw up what was left of his stomach contents. When there was nothing left, John sat there dry heaving until finally the bout passed. He groaned and heaved a sigh of relief as it was over. He raised an eyebrow of thanks to Scott as the bowl was taken out of his hand and replaced with a glass of water.

Sipping the water slowly, he cracked open his good eye. "Sorry" he whispered.

Scott looked perplexed. "What for?" he asked.

"For you having to see that. It's not exactly the nicest thing to see I'm sure…and also for wasting your time like this. I know that you have better things to be doing, so I'm sorry."

Scott looked at John, aghast. "Why the hell do you think that? There is nothing more important, and nothing that I would want to be doing right now, that is more important than this. You're my brother! This is literally a matter of life and death, John. _Your life._"

John took another sip of water and remained silent.

"Every minute you lie here, is making things worse. Don't you know what this thing is doing to you? Why are you doing this to yourself? Just have the goddamn operation!" Scott's face was flushed an angry red by the time he had finished talking.

John scowled as he retorted angrily "Its my life Scott, not yours. We're not in the air force; I'm not someone you can order around. You try being in my position. I've got tubes and needles stuck in me every place you can imagine, and some that you can't. My head is killing me, literally and figuratively, I'm puking my guts out and I can't see out of one eye. So thanks for checking, but I am perfectly aware of what its doing to me, probably more aware than you are. So if you'd care to leave me to lie here, that would be great"

Looking down at the angry figure in the bed, Scott ran his hands through his hair. His intentions had been to change John's mind about the operation. He hadn't meant to make John angry, and yet it was all he'd succeeded in doing. He let his head droop in shame and bit his lip.

"I'm sorry John." He apologised. "It's just killing me being here, watching you. It's not fair"

The cold glint in John's eyes faded, and he gave a small smirk as he replied "Actually, Scott, it's killing me."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything in this chapter belongs to Gerry Anderson, Carlton Television and to mcj.

AN: This chapter is dedicated to mcj. Without her generosity in letting me use events and dialogue out of her own story, this chapter would not exist. The parts I have borrowed, come from the John chapter of her "

Tales of a grandmother" story. If you have not read it, I strongly advise you to do so! Hope you all enjoy the chapter and thank you for your continued support.

Chapter 12

Scott winced at the truth in John's black humour. He sighed as he shook his head.

"You're too stubborn, you know that?" he paused as he looked down at John. "Is there anything I can do to change your mind? Anything at all?"

"Nope" stated John matter-of-factly, "I've decided what I want, can't you accept that Scott? Please, for me?"

Scott was torn. He knew that he should support his brother's decision, but then on the other hand, he knew that facing life without John around would be the hardest thing that any of the Tracys would go through, possibly even worse than the death of their beloved mother. After all, they had got through it as a family then. To lose another member of the closely-knit family could destroy them all.

Scott gave a growl of frustration, causing John to glance over and fix him with a questioning gaze. Scott sighed, knowing that he was probably fighting a losing battle. He opened his mouth to answer John's gaze, but before he could speak the door burst open and a harried looking Virgil burst in.

"John? John!" he exclaimed on seeing the figure in the bed, "You have no idea how glad I am to see you awake."

John smiled. "Hey Virge. Hope you managed to leave my bird intact…"

Virgil smirked as he replied "Well there are a heck of a lot of switches up there…its kinda confusing, but Brains says it won't take too long to repair…"

John, who had looked a little worried as Virgil started talking, relaxed. "Don't give up the day job just yet Virge" he deadpanned.

Virgil laughed, glad that John hadn't lost his dry sense of humour. He tried not to show it, but he was secretly shocked at the way John looked. While he'd been up on Five, he'd managed to convince himself that he'd imagined how bad John had looked. Back down on Earth, he realised his memory had been accurate.

John was still extremely pale, his bandaged head giving him a look of vulnerability. For Virgil, seeing his competent, strong brother, the one who acted as an anchor for them all, in this state was hard.

Scott quickly assessed the situation and decided that it would be best to leave John and Virgil to talk, although he didn't intend on leaving until he was sure that Virgil knew exactly what was going on.

"Virgil" Scott gestured to the corner of the room, indicating that he wanted to talk privately. John's eyes narrowed. He knew exactly what Scott was doing. Once Scott had his say, Virgil would do exactly what Scott wanted him to. That was how it was. That was how it had always been.

"Scott…" John said warningly. Scott ignored him. Virgil threw an apologetic glance John's way but walked over to Scott anyway. Scott began murmuring urgently to Virgil.

"Scott!" said John again, more forcefully this time. Again he was ignored. He scowled and let out an angry huff of air. He quickly ran through ideas of making Scott shut up, knowing that there was nothing short of a nuclear attack that would deter Scott from his chosen course of action.

John knew the exact second that Scott told Virgil he didn't want the operation. Virgil's eyes grew round and he looked incredulously at Scott. At Scott's nod, he looked over at John, shook his head and muttered something under his breath. Scott put his hand on his brother's shoulder and started to walk out the room.

"I'll be back to talk to you later Johnny" he said meaningfully, the words floating over his shoulder.

John grimaced; he could imagine that being a pleasant conversation. He quickly made his face blank as Virgil approached the bed, knowing that Virgil could easily read his facial expressions. He was too late though; Virgil gave a half smile as he said quietly "There's no escape ya know, not when he's like this"

"Yeah I know, but I can dream right?" John asked.

Virgil didn't reply, he just sat there staring at his brother. John shifted uncomfortably, waiting for Virgil to speak. After a long minute had dragged by, and Virgil still hadn't spoken, John decided to take the initiative.

"So…" he started, mentally congratulating himself on his brilliant conversational skills.

"So" replied Virgil meaningfully, "What's this about an operation then?"

John sighed. This could get very boring, very fast. "Didn't Scott fill you in?" he questioned.

"Yeah but I'd rather hear it from you, it is your life at stake after all."

John sighed again and looked away. "I've made my decision Virgil, I don't want the operation!"

"But why not?" asked Virgil.

"Because!" muttered John, knowing that Virgil wouldn't let up until he knew the real reason. "The thought of being alone in the operating theatre, possibly dying alone in there terrifies me" he confessed. "If I'm gonna die, I'd rather it be on my terms, ok?"

Virgil's eyes filled with compassion. "I know what you mean Johnny. Death is just so permanent. The end of everything. I guess if you've got time to prepare it's a load better for everyone." He paused and a thoughtful expression crossed his face. "I've never told anyone this, not even Scott, but when I got shot down by that navy carrier, I thought I was going to die. I was so scared, I thought of all the things that I wanted to do, things I wanted to say. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to say them. That was worse than the fact that I could die."

John sat there, outwardly impassive, but on the inside his mind was buzzing. He hadn't been at home when the missile had struck Thunderbird 2, all he'd been able to do was pace the floor of Thunderbird 5 and anxiously wait for news.

"Life is precious, more so than we realise. We only get one shot at it, so we've gotta do it right, we have to make the most of the only life we have. You can't let the cancer win John, you have to fight!" Virgil turned and looked straight at John, eyes blazing.

John could only shrug weakly in reply.

Virgil's tone changed, his eyes became distant and his voice took on a pensive tone. "Hey Johnny, you remember when Dad was first trying to set up International Rescue? He asked me last, and I was gutted, I still am gutted, if you must know. You turned him down, told me that if I was the least favourite son, I'd just been superseded." Virgil gave a sad smile before continuing. "I know we talked for hours, about anything and everything, but do you remember what I said to you to make you change your mind?"

John nodded, he remembered every single word of the conversation as clearly as if it were yesterday. "Yes, you said that you needed me by your side if you were to do it for Dad."

Virgil nodded and motioned for John to continue.

John took a hesitant breath. "You also said that if I wouldn't do it for you, to do it for momma" Johns voice caught on the last word, even now, years on from the day his world as he had known it had ended, he found it painful talking about his mother.

Virgil caught this and pressed his point home. "It's still true John, there are only a few things that keep me going sometimes. One is that its for mom, another is for the people we save. The main one is that you're here, whenever I need you. The only reason you're here in International Rescue is because I talked you into it, and I'm glad I did. Seriously John, I couldn't do this without you. I read a quote once, 'Everyone who lives dies but not everyone who dies lives'. It's true. You haven't lived yet John. Please don't let it win, fight it with everything you've got. Momma wouldn't want you to give up like this…"

With that, Virgil fell silent, and walked quietly out the room, leaving John with his now conflicting thoughts.


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: Still own nothing, although getting a thunderbird for Christmas would make my year!_

AN: Well Christmas Eve is upon us, so I would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a great New Year. Thank you to all reviewers, the satisfaction that a review brings is one of the reasons that many people continue to write. Thanks to zeilfanaat for reading through and pointing out mistakes. I hope you enjoy the chapter and have a good Christmas.

Chapter 13

John closed his eyes as he sank back into the pillows. Virgil's words echoed around his brain. "Momma wouldn't want you to give up like this…" He gave a growl of frustration, knowing that his elder brother was right. Gordon and Virgil, the two brothers he was closest to, were the only people who could have him questioning his decision, and between them, they were doing a pretty good job.

He inwardly groaned as he heard the door creak open, wondering which person had come to convince him otherwise now.

"John? You awake?" this question came in the unmistakable sound of Gordon's voice.

"Sadly, yes" John retorted tartly.

He opened his eyes to see Gordon looking slightly unsure of himself at John's answer. John sighed and apologised.

"Sorry Gordy, I didn't mean it like that, everyone just keeps pressuring me…well not exactly pressuring, but you get what I mean don't you?" his voice took on a pleading tone at the end, desperately needing someone to empathise with him.

It was Gordon's turn to sigh.

"Yeah, maybe…I dunno John, we're all scared about losing you though, and the operation really is your only option." seeing John's face muscles clench he hastily continued "but its ultimately your choice…"

John's face relaxed as he murmured something intelligible under his breath.

The two brothers sat in silence for a minute or two before Gordon worked up the courage to approach a subject that he knew John would be unwilling to talk about.

"So…what did Virgil say to you?" he asked "If you don't mind me asking." he added hurriedly on the end.

John looked away, appearing not to have heard him. Gordon wondered if he had fallen asleep and was about to get up and leave when John spoke, startling him.

"Oh you know, the usual…" John trailed off before turning back to Gordon "He said mom would want me to have the operation…"

"Ah." was Gordon's intelligent response to this, not knowing what else he could say. He was secretly impressed with how Virgil had tried to persuade John. It would probably turn out to be the deciding factor in John's decision. John had been very close to their mother and Gordon knew that he still missed her, even if he didn't say much on the subject. They all tended to keep their feelings to themselves, and none of them had ever really spoken about the death of their mother. Even now it was still too raw. Gordon knew that Virgil was right though. Gordon also knew that deep down, John agreed as well. He was just too stubborn to admit it.

Taking a deep breath, Gordon threw himself in at the deep end, knowing John wouldn't like hearing what he was about to say.

"I hate to seem like I'm turning against you, but I think that Virgil's right ya know."

John sighed and nodded. "Ok, fair enough. Why though?" he questioned.

Gordon remained silent for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts together.

"I know I don't really remember mom that well, I was tiny when she died, but I still miss her. I _know_ that she's proud of us and loves us, she told me so."

John took a sharp breath. He remembered only too well the terrible time when Gordon's heart had stopped beating, when he had been clinically dead, and what he had seen then. From what Gordon had told them, he had his mother to thank for having Gordon here today. Tears filled his eyes at that.

"I'm so glad she sent you back Gordon, you have no idea how thankful I am." he managed to choke out.

Gordon's honey eyes welled as he nodded.

"I am too. But I wasn't. I thought that I'd lost everything in that crash, my life in WASP, control of my body, Jezzie…" his voice trailed off and he hastily swiped his hands across his eyes.

John leaned forwards and put a sympathetic hand on Gordon's shoulder. He knew how hard Gordon had taken it when he discovered that the love of his life was dead, and knew that Gordon still blamed himself for her death. Nothing that John could say or do could change that; he'd been trying for years with no success. It was just an example of one of the things that all of the Tracy boys carried inside them, something that ate away at them, something that they could do nothing about.

John shook his head at the thought of the different burdens he and his brothers carried, before remembering that it wasn't the best of ideas, he winced but quickly made his facial expression neutral as Gordon looked up, concerned, and all his own troubles immediately forgotten.

"John…" Gordon began.

"I'm fine, Gordon, really I am." said John firmly.

Gordon was in no way convinced as he could hear the pain in John's voice, but he decided to let it go for the time being and try to press his point home.

"Ok John, if you say so." he shrugged. "As I was saying though, I thought I'd lost everything. I was convinced I'd lost everything. I relied on all of you so much then; everyone was there when I needed them. I couldn't have done it without you all." Gordon said quietly. "Its better now, but there are still times when it gets to me, so I call you up in Five, or I speak to Virgil. We all need you John, _I _need you."

John looked away at Gordon's last sentence, unable to meet his brothers pleading eyes. He gave a shaky laugh and quickly swiped his hand across his eyes.

"Talk about a guilt trip." he muttered, only half-joking.

Gordon remained silent, having nothing more to add.

John gave a growl of frustration as conflicting thoughts bounced around his head.

"Urgh, I don't know…I'm so…what…dammit!" he cursed, completely torn between decisions.

Gordon spoke up again at this point

"Imagine if it was me or Scott or Virgil lying there, what would you be telling us to do?"

John looked at Gordon, emotion written all over his face, before it cleared.

"Yeah, yeah you're right," John said with a sigh, "I'll have the op. Go get dad and the doctors, I'll sign the forms, whatever."

Gordon practically collapsed with relief at Johns words, and couldn't restrain his smile.

"You have no idea how glad I am, I'll go get the others now!"

He turned to leave the room.

A shout of "Gordon!" stopped him, and he turned back to John.

"Umm, thanks I guess, for changing my mind, I was being selfish." John said hurriedly.

Gordon didn't know what to say, so he rushed quickly back over to the bed, and pulled his brother into a hug. As John started to cough, Gordon quickly let go and took a step back to give John some space. As the coughing fit continued, Gordon grew more concerned, as apparently did John. Gordon could see John desperately trying to breathe, his face going red with effort.

"John, are you ok?" cried Gordon anxiously.

His fears were realised when John choked an answer

"Can't…breathe"


	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer: Same as usual, I own none of the characters, they belong to Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television_

AN: Hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year. Hopefully the next chapter will be posted quickly, as I have very definite plans about where it has to go and how it will end! Although by tempting fate there, its practically guaranteed that everything and anything will attempt to prevent me writing!! Thanks again to all reviewers, enjoy chapter 14!

Chapter 14

Gordon quickly smacked the emergency call button situated close to the bed. Almost immediately medical personnel began running into the room.

"What's the problem?" asked Dr Stokes urgently.

"Umm we were talking, and then he started coughing and couldn't stop, he said he couldn't breathe!" Gordon's voice had been rising in pitch throughout his answer, and he hurriedly clamped down on his emotions.

Dr. Stokes quickly assessed the situation. John was alternately coughing and trying to suck in much needed oxygen, his lips now starting to go blue.

"Right, we're gonna have to intubate." he decided.

Gordon was horrified at his words, knowing only too well what intubation involved.

"John? Ok, we're going to have to put a tube down your throat to help you breathe, but to do this we need to sedate you ok?" Dr Stokes talked calmly and quickly to John, whilst indicating to the nurses what he needed. "Gordon, do you want to come over here where John can see you, it might make it easier for him."

Gordon nodded woodenly at Dr Stokes request as he moved to stand next to John, who was now lying flat on his back. One of the nurses handed a syringe to Dr Stokes who was preparing the intubation kit. He quickly swabbed John's arm before piercing his skin. John winced almost imperceptibly, but Gordon caught it and gave his brothers hand a reassuring squeeze.

Gordon could see the sedative take immediate effect, all John's muscles relaxed and he stopped trying to suck in air. Looking down at his brother, Gordon could see complete and utter terror in John's eyes. John had no control over his body, and no oxygen, he was basically a prisoner of his body. Clutching John's hand, Gordon watched as Dr Stokes acted swiftly, and within seconds had managed to force a tube into John's lungs.

The colour started to return to John's lips and Gordon heaved a shaky sigh of relief, another crisis narrowly averted. Looking at the clock, he was surprised to find that less than two minutes had passed since he had smacked the emergency call button. He turned his gaze back to John, and read the panic in his brother's eyes. Gordon remembered only too vividly what being sedated and intubated felt like, courtesy of his hydrofoil accident.

"It's ok John" reassured Gordon "I know you feel like a prisoner but try not to panic"

Some of the terror left Johns eyes, but he was still clearly not comfortable with the situation.

"What happened?" demanded Gordon of Dr Stokes.

Dr Stokes shrugged "It could be any number of things, but Gordon, he really needs this op, has he made a final decision yet?"

Gordon nodded as he replied "He said he wanted it, didn't you John?" this last comment directed at his brother. He immediately realised that there was no way he could get an answer. "Ah...umm…" suddenly he had a brainwave "Ok John, blink once for no and twice for yes, ok?"

John blinked twice in response. Gordon could just imagine him sitting there, an eyebrow raised, smirk playing about his lips, waiting for the next question. He felt a pang as he realised he may never see that again. He would have given anything and everything he had to see it at that precise moment. He mentally shook himself out of his thoughts to find Dr Stokes and John both watching him expectantly.

"Uhh yeah, so John, do you want the operation?" he asked.

Two pairs of eyes turned to John who blinked once, twice, in response.

"Right," nodded Dr Stokes, "I'll get everything organised then. See you soon." And with that, he rushed out the room.

Gordon pulled up a chair and sat down by John's head. He was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, but would stay awake as long as his brother needed him. He gave a sad smile, remembering the many times himself and John had stayed up all night, talking about everything under the sun. They had talked about their dreams, most of which got scuppered when International Rescue became a reality. Neither Gordon nor John had got to do half of the things they had planned to.

"Oh John" Gordon sighed. "How did it come to this? What happened to our dreams? Our plans? Our promises."

Even as he spoke, he knew that he didn't mean it. None of the Tracy boys really begrudged their life plans changing. It was for a more than worthwhile cause, as they were reminded everytime they complete a successful rescue. Gordon was perfectly happy being a part of International Rescue, he was proud to be part of an organisation that was dedicated to saving lives.

"Sorry John, I didn't mean it. I just wonder sometimes…" Gordon sighed. He jumped as the rest of the family burst through the door, all of them looking worried and tired. He was greeted with a barrage of questions, all of them being asked at the same time. Gordon held up his hands and waited for his family to quiet. While they were getting over their initial shock, he had time to see where they were standing.

It was interesting, Grandma was sitting stroking John's hand, Jeff standing behind her. Close to Jeff and ready to provide support, were it needed, was Scott, and next to him was Virgil, undoubtedly there for Scott to lean on. Brains was standing awkwardly in a corner of the room while Alan and Tin-Tin stood near the bed in each others arms.

Jeff spoke up from his position behind his mother.

"What happened Gordon?"

"We were talking, then he started coughing and he couldn't breathe so they had to intubate him…but he wants the operation, Dr Stokes is off sorting stuff at the moment, he should be back soon" Gordon quickly related the events.

As the words "he wants the operation" came out of Gordon's mouth, a collective sigh of relief could be heard. For the first time since John had collapsed, the future was looking a little less bleak. Hope had been rekindled in the hearts of the Tracy family.


End file.
